I'm normally a happy-go-lucky gal but every once in a while when my past likes to roar its fat ugly head and remind me of my scars that will never go away, I get a little down in the dumps.
It goes away after a day or so. It helps to write about it. I've only ever told my close friends.
But I feel like sharing. Not because I want your sympathy or for you to tell me you're sorry. I just want you to know.
Maybe by me sharing it will help someone else who perhaps shares a similar past. That would be a good thing. We could help each other maybe.
So here it goes. My past in a nutshell.
- I was locked in a closet and molested when I was five by an eleven year old kid who lived in my neighborhood (this is why I think I'm so afraid of the dark and being locked in small spaces).
- Because of that incident I was a very sexually confused child. My body was craving that sexual satisfaction. Even though I didn't even know what it was. I was a teenager trapped in a little girls body.
- When I was six I tried to have sex with a kid in my class during recess. Obviously because of physical complications (six year old boys normally don't get erections) it was unsuccessful. This left me frustrated.
- When I was eight I forced a little boy to "show me his", after he told me he didn't want to. I still feel guilty about it.
- I was molested and almost raped at the age of ten at a baseball park by three boys from my school (they were older than me). I was pinned down by Boy #1 and Boy #2 while Boy #3 molested me. Just as boy #3 was about to rape me they heard people coming and ran.
- I gave my first hand job at the age of ten to my thirteen year old neighbor. It was my idea.
- I lost my virginity at the age of eleven (1 month shy of 12) at the same ballpark I was almost raped at. He was a kid I knew from school. He was cute but was the "troublemaker" (he had a bad home life). This was also my idea (though he didn't object).
- A year later we moved to OH. I was the new kid and was confused and depressed.
- I thought about suicide when I was thirteen. I would've jumped but knew my parents and brothers would miss me too much.
- If it weren't for them I would've jumped. I thank God everyday for giving me such an amazing family.
I wouldn't change anything from my past, no matter how painful it was. I believe everything happens for a reason. Maybe I will be able to help someone someday.
Age 5; innocence stolen.
Age 6; tried and failed
Age 9; the year before it got really bad
Age 11; goodbye virginity (I was in a school play, hence the costume)
I don't like to blame my past on my present problems but I sometimes wonder if maybe all of that stuff is why I have such a hard time with "boundaries" in relationships.
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Moving on...
On our way home from shopping tonight (I had to buy things for the wedding) I told Mum that I used to smoke.
She didn't take it well.
Then we had a mini argument about sex, drinking, making mistakes, etc and whether or not it's just a part of growing up or whatever...
If she only knew the things I've done.
She'd have a heart attack and die.
Sometimes I wish I was the person she thinks I am.
It makes me sad sometimes, thinking about all the people I'd disapoint and all the hearts I'd break if people found out about what I've done.
I wonder what it's like to not have a "past".
Then again I don't think I'd be the person I am now if it weren't for my past.
And I like who I am now.
A quote by the oh-so wise and wonderful K-Ten, "Jessi, screwing up builds character and we have LOTS of character!!"
Amen sista.
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