Post 42: I...

I am: 24 years old.

I think: about things too much.

I know: that I need to rely on God more and not so much on myself.

I have: an amazing family and an awesome group of friends that I consider my family.

I wish: I knew His answers to my many questions. (Post about Him coming soon)

I hate: no one. Although I find it very, very hard to not hate rapists, murderers and especially pedophiles.

I miss: my innocence. I only had it for 5 short years and I want it back.

I fear: the dark to the point of hyperventilation if I’m in a room alone with the lights out. This caused me to get a C in Darkroom Photography because I never went to the darkroom and thus got behind. I believe it was because I was locked in a dark closet and molested when I was 5 by an 11 year old boy (I can't believe I just typed that on blogger).

I hear: the little voice of my niece "talking" and laughing and my heart melts.

I smell: burning leaves when I get a migraine. Because of that whenever I smell burning leaves I almost always get a headache.

I crave: something more for my life. I need an adventure or something.

I search: Google for everything. I took Dane Cook’s words to heart when he said to “Google that S***!”

I wonder: what it’s like to be totally, completely, comfortably in love with somebody.

I regret: nothing that I’ve done. I believe everything happens for a reason.

I love: my life, my God, my family and my friends more than myself.

I ache: in my heart when I think mean thoughts about somebody. Even a complete stranger.

I am not: worthy of the title "Role Model", at least I don’t think I am. I wish I were but I’m not. But maybe that’s what makes me a good role model, the fact that I am honest and open to younger girls about the mistakes I’ve made, that I am so transparent about my past.

I believe: in God but I question everything. I think it is okay to question though, it forces you to grow. Just like in school, the more you ask the more you learn.

I dance: dirty, I don’t know why but I can’t dance proper. Every time I try and dance my friends say I look like a stripper or something.

I sing: loudly in the car when I’m alone. I use gestures and I hit the steering wheel (think Tom Cruise in Jerry Maguire)

I cry: rarely. But when I look at my niece and see how beautiful and perfect she is I’m forced to wipe tears of joy and amazement from my cheeks.

I fight: back my emotions all the time. If I had a dollar for every moment I wanted to tell Him how I felt, I could buy a new camera lens.

I win: at Bull S*** (the card game). “It’s all about reading people.”

I lose: my concentration easily thanks to ADD.

I never: felt more brave and accomplished than I did when I wrote a letter to Him explaining how I felt.

I always: trip on things, stub my toes, hurt myself, etc. And I bruise really easily.

I confuse: a lot of people with my sarcasm and wit. They think I’m serious when I’m not. Usually when I’m going to be serious I’ll warn you by saying “Hey guys, I’m gonna be serious for a minute…”

I listen: to gangster rap. I’m a white girl who loves gangster rap. I want to jump DMX whenever I hear his voice. It’s so raspy and sexy. MmMmMm.

I can usually be found: at the computer, behind my camera or in my car singing along with DMX trying to find our Hood.

I am scared: the answers I get from Him will be the answers I don’t want.

I need: to find a job. I’m going crazy.

I am happy about: my life.

I imagine: what it would be like to pack up my belongings and move to Chicago or Europe. Then I realize that I’d miss my family and friends too much, become depressed and end up moving back home. But home is where the heart is and my heart is where my family and friends are.