Post 95: if...

"if if's and buts were cocks and nuts i'd be getting gang-banged right now!"

Post 90: seventeen again

a few months ago i took a little trip to Walmart. i had to buy a few things and saw that Saving Private Ryan was only $5. so i decided to purchase it.

here is the story:

i finish shopping and go through the checkout. the woman scans my dvd and asks me for my ID.

i look at her surprised.

"it's because of your R rated DVD" she said, sensing my curiosity.

"oh?" i said in response, shaking my head and smiling as i got out my license.

"let me guess" she said, "you're older than 17?"

"um, yes, i'm 24." i said as i showed her my license, which is horizontal (in ohio that means i am over the age of 21).

"oh wow!" she said, genuinly surprised. "i didn't realize..."

"it's okay, it happens a lot." i say as i put away my license and grab my bags.

"when you're thirty and look twenty you'll appreciate it" she reassures me.

"thanks." i say as i walk away.

now, i get carded all the time for alcohol and when i smoked i got carded for cigarettes. but never, ever have i been carded for an R rated movie. i didn't even know they did that.

interesting.

so apparently i look like i'm 17. awesome.

i guess when i'm in my thirties and look twenty i'll appreciate it?

cheers to having a baby face.

Post 88: The Roommate.

i have moved in with a girl i work with. crazy right? that's what everyone says. surprisingly it's going quite well.

she's loud, talks fast, is messy and her boyfriend snores like a freight train.

but she's hilarious.

expect many funny stories in the near future.

Post 75: Before I was a "Good Girl"...

This is a true story...before I became a "good girl".

It was my junior year in college and three of my friends (K-Ten, KL and CS) and I were at a club. I was slightly intoxicated (not falling over drunk but also not using my best judgement). Some older guy (prob mid to late 30's)comes over to our table and starts talking to us:

Pool Guy: [looking around the table] "Hey ladies, how ya'll doing tonight?"
Us: (almost in unison) "Fine, just talking and having a drink."
Pool Guy: "Well I came over to ask if you pretty ladies would like to go play some pool with my buddies and I!"
K-Ten, KL & CS: "No thanks, our boyfriends just went up to the bar and will be back soon. Thanks though." [they all turn to me and wait for my answer, aka lie]
Me: [to Pool Guy] (not catching on to the very obvious lie, since we were all single) "Hey wait! I don't have a boyfriend! I love pool! I'll play with you!"
Pool Guy: "Awesome! [pointing] We're over there. Come on over, we'll wait for you to start the game."

Pool Guy walks off and I start to stand up, excited about "playing pool". I look over at my friends who are all looking at me as if I were the dumbest girl in the world (which I am when I'm drunk).

KL: "What the hell is wrong with you! Why did you tell that guy you didn't have a boyfriend?"
Me: [confused] "Because I don't...anymore if you don't remember! (i had just broken up with Mr. Almost Fiance that summer) Why what's the big deal? He just wants to play pool!"
CS: [laughing at my stupidity no doubt] "By "playing pool" he means playing with you!"
KL & K-Ten: "hahahahahahaha!"
Me: [dumbfounded] "Seriously? No. He's over there by the pool tables [i point to where they are standing] with his buddies waiting for us to play with them!"
CS: [shaking her head] "No darling, they want to get you drunk, uhm, well more drunk than you already are and f*** you!"
Me: [shocked] "oh! really? he wants to f*** me?! cool! i mean not cool because i wouldn't f*** him but cool because he wants to f*** me!" [i look over at Pool Guy, smile and wave]
CS: [grabbing my arm] "Oh my lord. lets get out of here."

That ladies and gentlemen, is why I never drink unless I have my very protective and trustworthy friends with me!

When I drink my brain shuts off and my body takes over. If it weren't for my trusty friends I could've ended up in his bed, along with many other beds I'm sure. Eeeek!

I also have another funny drunk story to share...about how I was so wasted I puked in a litter box because I couldn't find the bathroom...I'll save that one for later.

My 21st Birthday - August 15, 2005 (slightly intoxicated after consuming 2 margaritas)

Post 71: 18 Things You Can Only Say on Thanksgiving

Boo Bear texted me this list.

1. Talk about a huge breast!
2. Tying the legs together keeps the inside moist.
3. It's cool whip time!
4. If I don't undo my pants, I'll burst!
5. That's one terrific spread!
6. I'm in the mood for a little dark meet.
7. Are you ready for seconds yet?
8. It's a little dry, do you still want to eat it?
9. Just wait your turn, you'll get some!
10. Don't play with you meat.
11. Just spread the legs open and stuff it in.
12. Do you think you'll be able to handle all these people at once?
13. I didn't expect everyone to come at once!
14. You still have a little bit on your chin.
15. How long will it take after you stick it in?
16. You'll know it's ready when it pops up.
17. Wow, I didn't think I could handle all of that!
18. That's the biggest one I've ever seen!

Post 70: This is a funny story...NOT!

We live out in the country and have our own septic.

One day we had the septic guys come and check out our septic, just to make sure all was well.

I must've been about 16 at the time.

I had just gotten home from school and went over to Mum who was talking to the septic bloke.

As Septic Bloke was telling Mum what not to flush down the toilet he looks over at me and says "no flushing condoms down the toilet young lady" then he winks at me and starts to chuckle.

He was the only one who was laughing.

Seriously who says that to a teen GIRL around her MOTHER?!

Ugh.

Maybe that's how the used condom ended up on the side of our road. Some girl didn't know what to do with her boyfriends used condom and so she decided to throw it out the window whilst driving down the road for fear that it would ruin the septic system!

Post 54: C25K in 9wks & Funny eCards

I have decided to do this thing called "Couch Potato to 5k in 9 weeks". It looks easy and I kinda miss running.

Plus if I start today I'll be able to run 3 miles by the time I go to Florida!

And hopefully I'll be slightly smaller when I go so it won't be too horrible on the beach!

LaJa and I (and possible Mum) are going to do it.

Wish me luck!

Funny ecards. Enjoy.

Post 27: A Job, a Funny Newspaper Ad & Beef Stew

I applied for a job today via email. It's for an Office Assistant in Raymond which is about 10 minutes from my house. Which is good! A short commute!

Wish me luck that my resume dazzles them!

On a funnier note, I just saw this ad in the newspaper and had to share it.



I'm making Beef Stew and Bikkie's for dinner. Mmm...the house smells amazing.





I love autumn.

Post 24: Those poor movies

I texted Boo Bear last night and asked him to list off the top 5 best comedy movies of all time.

This is what he texted me:

"thats too hard im not doing that i dont want to make good movies feel bad when they dont make the list"

I love my baby brother.

Post 15: Boo Bears manhood

A snippet of a conversation we had tonight (about annoying red-necks who have big, loud cars and motorbikes and how they drive them at 9pm) while BB and LJ were opening their presents.

Me: "So you're saying you'd never buy a big truck or a loud motorcycle then?"

Boo Bear: "Nope I don't need a big truck or a loud bike to prove my manliness. The proof is in my pants."

Lovely.

P.S. The Old Bag was amazing. I had fried pickles. Fish & chips and an ice cold Corona. Lovely.


One of Boo Bears senior photos done by D.G.P.